


/r/RATS

by scribe-tuesday (Leofuller)



Series: Rats R Us [2]
Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Animal Transformation, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 12:57:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21198026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leofuller/pseuds/scribe-tuesday
Summary: In order to get your wires crossed there has to be more than one wire.Or: long distance dating is especially difficult when one of you is a rat and one of you doesn't even know that you're in a relationship.A semi-official sequel to McSpot'sRatted Out





	/r/RATS

**Author's Note:**

> Listen.  
You absolutely have to read Ratted Out first. This builds on some really specific crack premises that are established in that story, and it won't make any sense if you haven't read the first part. (I'm not guaranteeing it'll make sense anyway. It's that kind of story.)  
And if Ratted Out wasn't your kind of thing, you won't like this one either. Promise.
> 
> When I read Ratted Out I thought it was a fun piece of crack-treated-seriously. I was not expecting to spend all of my free time (and quite a bit of time when I was supposed to be working) thinking about it in great detail, until I had to share my headcanons with McSpot, who said she was looking forward to reading it. I said I wasn't going to write it and then wrote over 10,000 words, proving that I am, in this context, a liar.

Everybody does pet calendars now, but the fans like them and the guys get to hang out with dogs for an afternoon so it’s not like anybody _ minds. _

They’re branching out a bit. At first it was dogs, and then the occasional cat, and this year they’re going with anything photogenic that the animal shelter thinks will cooperate for the length of the photo shoot.

Jake was kind of hoping for a dog, something huge and fluffy that he could maybe play-fight with.

What Jake gets is rats.

The girl from the shelter has three slightly sleepy looking rats in travel cages.

“We brought backups in case one of them won’t cooperate.”

On the other side of the room Brock is posing for photos with a yellow lab that looks just like him, and Jake’s got a bit of time to make friends with…

“This is Rudy.” Rudy is the most awake of the rats. These are Fancy Rats, the girl tells Jake, which are different from the kind of rats you get in the street.

Rudy’s quite happy to be passed over to Jake, spends a minute lying on Jake’s arm while Jake pets him gently, and then gets his bearings and goes exploring.

“Hey!”

“He’s okay!” The handler laughs, because she’s not the one with a rat climbing up her arm. “He likes heights.”

Rudy gets himself settled on Jake’s shoulder, not at all concerned when Jake turns to look at him and Rudy’s face to face with somebody whose head is bigger than his whole body.

“Hello.”

Rudy doesn’t answer, but he looks like he understands.

They try the other rats, but Rudy’s the most cooperative. Missy just wants to chew Jake’s sleeve, or his hair if she has the option, and Pip climbs straight into the pocket of Jake’s hoodie and refuses to come out for the cameras.

It’s a fun day. Jake gets to hang around with a rat in his pocket while the rest of the guys do their photos, and then they all go out for dinner (without the rat).

It kind of spoils it when he gets home to another one of Matthew Tkachuk’s “gifts”.

~~

**/r/peoplewhoarelikerats**

It’s such a weird thing, the whole situation, that Jake can’t talk to anybody about it. It makes him sound like he’s crazy. Some guy who’s a divisional rival but nothing more, not a personal rival, not a guy he’s ever had any real contact with let alone conflict outside the parameters of the game, keeps sending him literal garbage, and then when Jake asks him not to he goes straight to dirty talk.

Not even successful dirty talk.

It’s just weird, and if Jake tries to tell his teammates they’ll think he’s pranking them and if he tries to tell his family they’ll probably tell him to call the police.

And it’s not like he wants to get Tkachuk into trouble, really, he just wants him to stop mailing him garbage.

Jake can’t talk to his colleagues or his family, so he does what anybody would do.

He makes a burner account on Reddit.

People are really nice on the internet.

That sounds like a stupid thing to say, because of course the internet is full of idiots and mean people and people who create false identities for criminal purposes, but a solid third of the responses Jake gets to his post are supportive and a few of them are flat out helpful.

He’s been careful to avoid any references to hockey, telling the story like he and Tkachuk work for rival companies based in different cities, meeting a few times a year at conferences, but some turns of phrase are obviously more universal than he thought because about a day and a half after he posts, somebody responds and says

**weird question but is this guy a rat?**

Jake always though that was kind of a hockey thing.

**Yes! ** He replies. **That’s exactly what he is!**

Whoever this person is, they send Jake a private message less than an hour later, directing him to some other threads.

It turns out that calling somebody a rat is definitely not limited to hockey, and there’s a whole thread full of people who have weirdos sending them garbage.

Jake gets invested in some of the stories.

**_So, I found out that Toby likes it when I’m angry or indignant,_** writes one user who’s had very similar problems to Jake, **_because my voice goes squeaky and that’s apparently kind of a turn on. If you keep your voice calm and level they’re not getting as much out of it, so just keep your cool._**

** _Nikki can’t stand those antibacterial cleaning wipes, _ ** says the girl whose roommate has weird garbage habits and no concept of personal space. ** _I can literally build a barrier with them, or if I scatter them around she gets nervous about finding one if she’s rummaging through my things. They’re even better when they’re still wet._ **

Jake makes a lot of notes.

He keeps a roll of garbage bags by the door, and any packages from Tkachuk go straight into the outside trash.

He stops calling Tkachuk to yell at him about the gross “gifts”.

When Tkachuk starts calling to see if he received the packages, Jake keeps his voice low and flat and calm and says that he didn’t even open them. After the second time, he stops answering.

The parcels slow down.

Jake doesn’t miss them, obviously, because they’re disgusting. He doesn’t miss the weird interactions with Tkachuk, either.

He doesn’t.

** _This is just how they try to show affection. Remember, they mean well, they just don’t really grasp how humans interact._ **

~~

**Flames @ Canucks**

It was a long game. Jake’s been playing through a sore shoulder - nothing significant, he’s had it properly checked out, but it’s kind of uncomfortable - and going to overtime was less than ideal.

They got the W, though, and that’s what matters.

Jake’s pretty much the last of the guys to leave, after getting his shoulder checked over again, and he just wants to go home and sleep.

Somehow it’s not a surprise to find Tkachuk waiting for him in the parking garage.

“What do you want?” Jake’s too fucking tired for any more weird shit right now.

“It feels like we never talk any more, babe.” Tkachuk leers at him and Jake just cannot be fucked with this any more.

“No, don’t start that shit. I don’t want it on the phone and I sure as hell don’t want it now.” He strides straight past Tkachuk and unlocks his car, and, fuck.

His car is full of the pieces of two broken down bookcases, which belonged to his neighbour who was trying to take them to the dump when his car broke down, and Jake happened to head outside at the wrong time and accidentally offered to take them for him. He’s planning to get rid of them tomorrow, but he’d forgotten they’re in the car. 

Jake got his bag into the car to come down to the rink, so he must be able to get it back in there now, but he can’t remember how he got it to fit before, and he’s tired, and Matthew fucking Tkachuk is just standing there watching him with this really weird look on his face.

There’s a bit of space behind the driver’s seat, which would be big enough for Jake’s bag if it wasn’t for the bag of trash that’s sitting there. Jake’s usually got a bag in the car so that any coffee cups or gum wrappers or whatever can be kept together rather than taking over his car. Currently there’s also a burger wrapper and the tissues from when Jake got a nosebleed after training the other day.

He yanks the bag of trash out of the way and shoves his other bag into the space.

There’s a dumpster on the far side of the floor, over by the ramp. Jake could walk all the way over there now, but Tkachuk is still just standing and looking at him, and he’ll have to walk right past the dumpster on his way out.

And he likes trash, apparently.

Jake doesn’t want to talk to him, and Tkachuk is so weird that he doesn’t think he needs to bother with normal politeness any more. Totally done with today, Jake just shoves the bag of trash at Tkachuk, who takes it automatically, and then gets in his car and goes home.

At the top of the exit ramp he glances in the mirror to see that Tkachuk is still standing there, watching Jake’s car leave and clutching the trash bag like it’s full of treasure.

Freak. 

*

Matt’s actually taken aback at how well things are going. He’d been worried, when Jake was weird on the phone and said he was rejecting Matt’s gifts, that something was wrong. Matt had been turning it over in his head, wondering if he needed better gifts, needed to pay more attention and make it even clearer that he’s all in on this relationship, but.

Wow.

When Jake said _ I don’t like this _ and _ this has to stop_, he meant that he doesn’t like the distance and the informality and that he doesn’t want to carry on just seeing each other a couple of times a year and talking on the phone.

Jake wants more, and he’s making the effort to prove it.

Matt had taken the bag back to the hotel, tucking it under his jacket so none of his teammates would ask him to share, and once safely in the privacy of his room he’d finally been able to investigate the contents.

And… it was a big deal. Not just a _ sorry I’ve been a bit cold recently, _this had been thought out. Jake had done this for a reason.

Three coffee cups - one from Tim Horton’s, two plain ones.

A McDonalds bag, containing the wrapper from a chicken burger and the sleeve from a portion of fries. There’s a fry left in the bottom, which is a nice touch.

Three gum wrappers, and two pieces of chewed gum.

Several bloodstained tissues

The receipt for a tank of gas.

The thing about what Matt’s grandma always called _ courting _ is that there’s no one right way to do it. It’s not like the humans do, with a ring and a particular set of words. It’s about intention and it’s about the right moment.

This was pretty clear, though.

Jake had taken some time to assemble a bag of trash, and he’s talking about shared meals with the cups and the food wrappers, he’s showing he can provide. The gum’s pretty obvious, because fresh breath = kissing. Matt’s still not entirely sure if the tissues are a reference to the whole “in sickness and in health” thing or if he’s saying he’d fight for Matt, but those are both good things. And he’s saying that he wants to drive things forwards.

Jake wants to get serious, make a commitment, and Matt is 110% here for that.

He messaged Jake, **Thnx for the gift babe xxx **followed by a string of appropriate emojis.

Jake’s not always the quickest at replying, but Matt got a loving **fuck off** back a few minutes later, and went to bed with a smile on his face.

~~

**/r/fancy**

Johnny’s minding his own business, sitting on the floor in front of the TV and checking over the cables to see why Netflix isn’t working, when Matt bursts into the room.

“Look at this!” He waves whatever it is that he’s holding at Johnny. “Look at it!”

“What the fuck?”

“Look at this picture!”

“How the fuck did you get into my house?”

“Do you think he’s cheating on me?”

Johnny can’t get a good look at the picture because Matt keeps waving it around, but it seems to be a guy and a rat.

“No, he can’t be.” Matt continues. “He wouldn't have proposed.”

Proposed? That’s new.

Matt shoves the page he’s holding at Johnny. His hand’s in the way of the guy in the picture’s face, but unless Johnny’s very much mistaken that’s a Canucks hoodie.

The rat in the picture looks like an ordinary pet rat.

“Can you tell just from looking at the picture if another rat is, uh, like you?”

Matt scoffs. “That’s just a fancy rat.” He spits the word _ fancy _ like it’s an insult. “Just a boring domesticated fancy rat. He wouldn’t cheat on me with a fancy rat.”

Johnny’s not sure how Matt’s secret boyfriend - or fiancé, apparently - _ could _ cheat on him with an actual-rat rather than the kind of rat that Kevin and Matt are, and he’s too afraid to ask.

“Uh…”

“Do you think he thinks that rat’s better-looking than me?” The idea has clearly only just occurred to Matt. “That rat’s not more attractive than me, is it?”

Johnny is totally not qualified to answer that question. He doesn’t find rats attractive. He finds _ Kevin _ attractive, and sometimes Kevin looks like a rat, but it’s not like rat-Kevin is hot. And even if Johnny did find rats attractive (ew) he can’t compare a photograph of a rat to Matt, because-

“You can’t tell me that rat is hotter than me.” Matt shoves the picture at Johnny and there’s a flurry of movement that Johnny still hasn’t quite gotten used to with Kevin, and then he’s sitting on the floor in his own house with a page from a calendar in one hand and a rat squealing at him from the middle of his rug. That at least solves Johnny’s second issue, which was that he had no idea what Matt looked like as a rat.

“Wow.” 

Matt’s a lot smaller than Kevin. Like, a bit bigger than the fancy rat in the picture, but much closer to normal-rat size than Johnny’s boyfriend is.

The rat squeaks at him again and Johnny makes a point of comparing him to the rat in the picture.

“I am very confident,” he says, truthfully, “that he does not think that this fancy rat is more attractive than you are.”

Johnny is very confident that _ Jake Virtanen _\- and that’s the big news here, wow - either has no opinion on whether rats are hot at all, kind of like Johnny, or that he will naturally find his fiancé more attractive.

And then Matt’s sitting on the rug on the pile of his clothes.

“Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

“Please put your pants back on. The blinds are open.”

~~

**/r/weddingplanning**

Matt is a few beers in and feeling pretty good about life. It’s one of those totally random evenings that just kind of come out of nowhere. They’re in New York for a couple of nights because it’s doesn’t make sense to fly all the way home after playing the Islanders only to immediately fly all the way back again to play the Rangers, and through a connection that Matt wasn’t paying attention to they’ve ended up first in a bar and then back at somebody’s apartment with some of the guys from the Islanders.

It’s all a bit _ U20 Worlds - The Reunion _ and it gets worse when a couple of guys who play for the Canucks show up.

Matt knew that they were probably in town, in a similar situation to the Flames as they’ve also got a couple of local games in quick succession.

He keeps an eye on where his boy is, okay?

Not that closely, obviously, and so it’s a nice surprise when Jake wanders into what is turning into a full on party (as much as it can when most of the guys have some kind of training to do in the morning).

Matt strolls over as soon as Jake’s not surrounded by people.

“Hey, didn’t know you were going to be here!”

Jake stares at him for a second. Apparently he didn’t know that Matt was going to be here either.

“I can’t deal with this now. I need a drink.” 

And he disappears into the apartment.

Okay. That’s fine. He wasn’t expecting to see Matt, he’s surprised to have him here face to face, he needs a second to regroup. That’s cool, Matt gets it.

Jake stays weird, avoiding Matt. He won’t make eye contact, and Matt’s starting to think that he’s avoiding being in the same room as him.

It must just be that he won’t be able to stay cool and keep things on the down-low if they get too close together. Maybe he doesn’t have as much as self-restraint as Matt does. It’s all fine. Matt’s not going to get worked up about it. Last time he thought Jake was being cold, Jake was just working up to a proposal. Matt trusts him.

*

Jake would not have agreed to tag along to this party if he’d known that Tkachuk would be here. 

The weird behaviour has continued since their encounter in the parking garage. The packages are still arriving, less often, but they’re heavier.

Jake hasn’t opened any of them, and he’s not answering if Tkachuk calls. Occasionally he responds to a text message, just to tell Tkachuk to leave him alone, but he’s not getting the hint and now he’s following Jake around whoever’s apartment this is.

Jake’s just going to ignore him and hope to get through the evening without any more weird garbage or heavy breathing.

It’s not somebody’s birthday, Jake doesn’t think. It was somebody’s birthday… yesterday? They’re not here celebrating somebody’s girlfriend’s twenty-second, there just happens to be cake left over. There was some kind of… miscommunication? Mistake? Jake doesn’t know the details, or care particularly, all he knows is that somehow three lots of cake got ordered instead of one, and so there’s a lot left over.

Well. There _ was _ a lot left over, until the hockey players got to it.

“Jake! Jake! If you want that last caramel one, you need to get in there!”

If Thatch was a _ real _ bro he’d have brought the last caramel cupcake out for Jake, but he’s got two chocolate ones in one hand and some terrifying pink monstrosity that’s making Jake’s teeth hurt just looking at it in the other, so Jake guesses that he has other priorities and Jake’s going to have to go into the kitchen and get it himself.

Which is fine, except Tkachuk is in there.

There’s also a bit of a scuffle going on near the cakes, although for once not involving Tkachuk who’s just standing to the side looking at Jake and being weird.

“Hey, watch the cake, guys!” Jake doesn’t care if people want to wrestle but they can do it somewhere else, somewhere further from the food.

He pushes his way through and stretches to grab the cupcake he wants before anybody else can get to it. He gets hold of it and just as he’s bringing it towards him the scuffle takes an unexpected lurch and they bump into his outstretched arm.

The cake goes flying.

It should happen in slow motion, really, the cake arcing through the air, Jake desperately trying to catch it, the “nooooooooooo” about an octave deeper than his usual voice as the sound slows down.

Tkachuk of all people jumping forwards to help, although he’s too far away, and then the speed comes back up to normal as the cake hits the floor.

Not frosting-side-down, which would be necessary for true cinematic perfection, but on its side.

Tkachuk drags a couple of people backwards so that nobody stands on the cake, and then he picks it up off the floor and offers it to Jake.

Jakes takes it automatically.

“You’re not going to _ eat _ that?” Somebody says, one of the girls, and the tone of horror is as good as a dare to a hockey player.

Jake shrugs, casual. “It’s really good cake.”

Tkachuk nods. “Nothing wrong with it touching the floor.”

He’s an unlikely ally, but Jake has an audience now and needs backup. He peels down the paper case and breaks off a piece of the cake - from the side that did not touch the floor - and puts it in his mouth.

“Ew.”

It is _ really good cake _.

“I can’t believe you’re eating that.”

“Gives it extra flavor.” Tkachuk again, supporting Jake.

Jake breaks the cake again, into three, and offers it to Tkachuk, taking another piece for himself.

Tkachuk takes the bit where the frosting got flattened on impact and puts it into his mouth whole.

“S’good.” He says with his mouth full, grinning at Jake past the frosting.

It’s very good cake and Jake doesn’t really want to share it, but it feels appropriate for the moment. Jake breaks the last little bit of the cupcake into two and splits it with Tkachuk, who reacts as if he’s done a whole lot more. Like, bought him a car or something. 

Cake eaten, the spectacle is over and their audience goes back to whatever they were doing before. Tkachuk grins at Jake. “I need to tell my family!”

“About what?” 

Tkachuk grabs Jake’s elbow and steers him away from everybody else. “I know we’ve been keeping this quiet, for obvious reasons, but we’re telling our families, yeah?” He pauses, and looks worried. “Your family are okay with it, aren’t they?”

“Okay with what?” Jake’s lost.

“With _ us. _” Tkachuk waves his hand between them. “Getting married.”

Jake chokes. It’s a good job he’s not drinking right at this moment. “We… what?”

Tkachuk keeps grinning like a lunatic. “I know, yeah? It’s kind of crazy when you think about it. Like, we haven’t been engaged that long, but when those perfect moments come up, you just know that it’s right, right?”

Tkachuk is possibly genuinely crazy. Jake glances around for help and spots Johnny Gaudreau watching them across the room.

“I do not know what you’re talking about.” He says to Tkachuk, hoping that Gaudreau will come and reclaim his lunatic teammate.

Gaudreau looks like he’s realised that something’s going down, like he doesn’t want to get involved but is resigned that he’ll have to.

“The cake.” Tkachuk explains, although it’s not really an explanation. “We couldn’t have planned that, and I guess we wouldn’t have planned to do it here with no family or whatever, but when you know you know, yeah?”

Jake does not know.

“Matt, what’s going on?” Johnny Hockey to the rescue.

Tkachuk hugs him. Gaudreau looks as surprised by this as Jake currently feels, and then Tkachuk lets go of him and tries to hold Jake’s hand, and the levels of surprise go up even further.

Jake shakes him off “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Aww, babe, it’s okay. Johnny knows about us. He’s cool.”

Gaudreau must be able to read from Jake’s expression that something’s not right here, because there’s a look of dawning horror on his face.

“Matt..” he starts, taking a careful step towards Tkachuk.

“Sets the bar pretty high, yeah?” Tkachuk grins. “You can only wish that your wedding will be as good.”

“Matt.” Gaudreau’s trying to be firm, which would be funny in pretty much any other circumstances. “Matt, what just happened?”

Tkachuk laughs, looking at him like he thinks Johnny’s an idiot, although an idiot he’s reasonably fond of. “We just got married!”

He tries to take Jake’s hand again, and Jake’s had enough.

“You’re insane. We’re not married. We’re not anything. We barely know each other. I don’t even _ like _you!”

Tkachuk freezes. Gaudreau takes half a step forwards, hovering like he thinks he’s going to have to… what, catch him?

And then Tkachuk snaps out of it.

“Right. Okay. Um.” And then he turns and walks out of the apartment. Gaudreau dithers for a moment, and then takes off after him.

“Matt! Wait! Shoes!” 

Jake needs another drink.

~~

**Canucks @ Flames**

Jake doesn’t get any more packages from Tkachuk. He doesn’t get any phone calls. He doesn’t get any text messages.

He doesn’t miss them, he just sometimes wishes he knew what the fuck all that was about.

He’s not looking forward to seeing Tkachuk again, because whatever the hell was going on it was bound to be awkward, and possibly even chippier than normal on the ice - and then they get to Calgary and Tkachuk’s not even there. Scratched due to illness, or something.

Jake guesses that makes things easier, not looking out for the little rat on the ice.

It’s a matinee game, the last of this road trip, and they’re not flying home until tomorrow morning. A bunch of the guys are making plans to go out, and Jake’s intending to go with them until he steps out of the locker room in his suit and Johnny Gaudreau is hanging around in the corridor waiting for him.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Uh, sure.”

“Not here. Can you come with me?”

“I… guess?” Jake’s supposed to be getting the bus back to the hotel and then heading out for dinner with the guys. Maybe he can catch up with them.

Gaudreau looks at him for a second, considering. “Maybe get changed first, and we can grab something to eat?”

Jake pauses for a second. He’s seen a lot of the guys on this road trip, and maybe this way he can find out what’s wrong with Tkachuk.

“Okay.”

“Cool.” Gaudreau looks relieved. “Look, give me your phone, I’ll give you my number, we can meet up in like half an hour?”

Jake’s just going to roll with it.

Forty minutes later, Jake’s changed into jeans and a hoodie - the only non-Canucks hoodie he’s got with him - and he’s sending a text message to the number now stored in his phone as _ Johnny _followed by the hockey stick emoji. Apparently they’re on first name terms now.

Johnny sends him the address of a diner that’s a couple of blocks away.

“So.” Johnny waits until their food arrives. “Am I right in thinking that you were never actually dating Matt?”

Jake finishes his mouthful before he answers. “That’s right…”

“Um. Did you know that he thought you were?”

Jake shakes his head. Johnny sighs.

“He’s such an idiot.”

“We’ve never really spoken off the ice.” Jake loads up his fork. “Apart from when I called him to ask him to stop sending me garbage.”

Johnny does not look at all surprised, which is kind of concerning. Hearing that your teammate mails people garbage should not be a normal thing.

“Okay, this is going to sound totally crazy, but just hear me out. Please.”

Johnny looks so serious that Jake just nods, and prepares to eat while Johnny talks.

“So. Matt’s a rat.” 

Jake’s about to say that he knows that, when Johnny holds up a hand to stop him. 

“Like, actually. He’s a rat. Whiskers, tail, the lot. His whole family are. He’s got weird behaviours and sometimes he turns into an actual physical rat.”

Jake does not like to think that this kind of makes sense on a super-bizarre level.

“So when he’s doing stuff that seems kind of gross, like mailing you garbage, it’s actually meant as a positive thing? Like, he’d be genuinely thrilled if somebody did that for him.”

Jake has no words.

“And they don’t do relationships in quite the same way as us, so things that you might not think much of can be a big deal to them. Like, what’s a nothing moment to you can be a massive declaration of intent to them.”

“Why did he think we were married?” Jake’s going to just… go along with this for a moment.

Johnny shakes his head. “Something to do with eating cake off the floor. That’s kind of a rat thing to do.”

“But why did he think we were even in a relationship to start with?” Jake can feel his voice rising. Either this is a prank or Johnny’s crazy too, but either way the basic fact remains that Tkachuk seemed to think that he and Jake were more than occasional rivals and actually had some kind of connection.

“I don’t know.” Johnny admits. “When I found out that the whole rat thing was real and not just a turn of phrase, he was already saying that he had a boyfriend. I don’t know when it started.”

“So… why did you want to talk to me today?” It doesn’t make sense that Johnny just wants to tell him that Tkachuk thinks he’s a rat or whatever.

“Matt’s a bit of a mess.”

Jake makes a scoffing noise and Johnny shoots him a disapproving look that’s surprisingly effective.

“Like, more than normal. Since he walked out of that party he hasn’t mentioned you once, and he’s talking a lot less than normal. And he stopped coming out, and then he’s not putting in as much effort at training, and he’s been scratched a couple times.”

Jake does not feel bad. It’s not his fault that Tkachuk hallucinated an entire relationship with him.

“And then he didn’t show up to training yesterday, and so I went round to his place, and basically I think he’s spending a lot of time as a rat. Based on the state of his apartment.”

Something’s niggling at Jake’s brain. “Isn’t… aren’t rats like, really illegal here?”

Johnny nods, like Jake’s finally got the point. “Yeah. And he’s going to get himself in trouble. His apartment looks like there are rats there, and I heard somebody in the building lobby talking about it, and I think he’s going to get found out.”

Jake lays his cutlery on his empty plate and picks up his soda. “And what do you want me to do about it?”

Johnny looks relieved, like Jake’s offering to help which he’s really not. “Can you talk to him? We’re hoping that maybe he can get some closure or something. Move on.”

This whole thing is just, super weird, and Jake would like it to be over. Closure sounds good.

“Sure.”

Tkachuk’s apartment building is only a block away from the diner, and Jake suspects that Johnny chose it for that reason.

There’s a pest control van parked outside.

“Fuck.” Johnny grabs Jake’s arm. “That’s not good.”

There are a whole bunch of people in the lobby, apparently concerned residents.

“Something’s been chewing the cables.”

“There’s little scratch marks in the laundry room.”

_ “He’s after the dryer lint.” _ Johnny says, just loud enough for Jake to hear. _ “They like that.” _

At some point Jake would like to know how Johnny knows so much about this and who else is included in _ they _.

“I reckon it’s something to do with apartment 3B,” somebody says, and Johnny tenses so Jake can guess that that’s Tkachuk’s apartment. “There’s a funny smell up there.”

Johnny drags Jake away from the crowd.

“We’ve got to get him out of there.”

“And how the hell do we do that?” The place is swarming with people.

Johnny thinks for a second. “Okay. Here’s the plan…”

The plan actually works.

Johnny creates a diversion. It’s not difficult, he just strolls back into the crowd, asks a couple of people what’s going on, and gets recognised.

Jake, who is a lot less recognisable in Calgary, especially in non-branded clothes, sneaks into the office and grabs the emergency keys, which would normally be locked up except that the box is open so that they can let the pest control guys into apartments if nobody’s home. Jake doesn't know the ins and outs of Alberta’s rat laws but they take it pretty seriously.

The pest control guys head for the laundry room with the building manager and the lady who was talking about scratch marks, and Jake takes the stairs to the third floor.

The other lady was right, apartment 3B does smell weird.

The place is a real mess, clothes and trash everywhere. The kitchen stinks bad enough that Jake really hopes he doesn’t have to go in there.

He does feel a bit bad for Tkachuk, if the end of their one-sided imaginary relationship has hit him this hard.

There’s nobody in the living room, and so Jake cautiously sticks his head into the bedroom. The curtains are open and there’s some light coming in from the street below.

And there’s a rat on the bed.

One of two things is happening here.

Either Johnny isn’t crazy, and that’s actually Matthew Tkachuk, or this is an elaborate prank and that’s just a rat.

It doesn’t look like a vicious wild rat, though. If that’s not Tkachuk, which it probably isn’t, that’s a domestic rat. A pet rat. And Jake’s retained enough information from the handler at the calendar photo shoot that he doesn’t want some innocent (illegal) pet rat to get euthanised because of a prank, and so there’s really only one thing he can do.

(Because he doesn’t actually want Tkachuk to get euthanised, either. It’s a bit extreme no matter how weird and annoying he is.)

Jake approaches the bed, hoping that the rat won’t startle and run away.

The rat sits and watches him.

“Will you come with me?” Jake feels a bit stupid talking to it, but maybe the tone of his voice will reassure it. It must be used to people. “There’s a pest control unit in the building and you can’t stay here.”

He gets close enough to touch the rat, holding his hand out and letting it sniff his fingers.

“Yeah, come on. I’m a friend. Can I pick you up?” The rat doesn’t answer, obviously, but it does let Jake pick it up.

“You good in the pocket?” The rats at the photo shoot liked his hoodie pocket, hopefully this one will too.

He gets the rat tucked into his pocket just as his phone buzzes with a text from Johnny.

**Rat people coming upstairs!**

“Shit. Time to go” Jake slips out into the hallway, reaching the door to the stairs just as the lift pings to announce its arrival.

He doesn’t stop to check, just books it down to the ground floor with the rat in his pocket.

The crowd in the lobby has thinned considerably, and Jake walks calmly past the office door, dropping the spare key and kicking it into the room in the hope that somebody will think they dropped it themselves, and heads for the exit.

Jake somehow makes it back to the hotel, strolling out of Tkachuk’s building and walking all the way to the hotel because he doesn’t dare try for a cab when he’s got one hand in his hoodie pocket holding onto an illegal rat.

The adrenaline gets him through it, right through the hotel lobby which is remarkably free from his teammates for once, up in the elevator and into the safety of his room.

He goes for an extra layer of security and locks himself in the bathroom with the rat. 

There’s nowhere it can escape to, so he takes it out of his pocket and sets it on the counter by the sink.

They stare at one another for a moment.

“Jesus.” Jake turns away and then looks back at the rat, which hasn’t moved. “I must be fucking crazy.”

He washes his hands, for something to do with his nervous energy, and also because he’s been holding a rat of unknown origin. The rat watches him. It looks quite intelligent, but he’s not sure if that’s a point for or against it being Tkachuk.

It kind of makes him feel like he’s supposed to be talking to it, or something.

“What about you, do you want to get cleaned up?”

The rat does not answer. Jake turns the taps on to fill the sink anyway, going for lukewarm water. Maybe Tkachuk wants a drink and he can reach if Jake fills the sink right up…

The ridiculousness of the situation finally starts to get to Jake, and he sits down slowly on the closed toilet. He’s the victim of some kind of ridiculous Flames prank. They’ve sent Johnny because he’s the most sincere guy Jake’s spoken to in ages, and he’s not only convinced Jake that Tkachuk can turn into a rat but they’ve found a rat from somewhere and now Jake’s in a hotel room in Alberta with a super illegal rat that’s going to take a hell of a lot of explaining when the authorities inevitably-

There’s a splash, and Jake leaps up automatically. Stupid idea, filling the sink, because the rat has tried to get a drink and it fell in and-

The rat is splashing happily in the water. Jake turns the taps off and sits down again.

“What the fuck, dude? You scared me.”

The rat ignores him, swimming little laps of the hotel bathroom sink. It looks like it’s enjoying itself. Jake eyes the walk-in shower and regrets very briefly that this room does not have a bathtub.

The rat and Jake’s brain swim in circles. The rat’s probably not thinking about anything much, and Jake’s stuck in a panic where he’s trying not to think about what happens if he gets caught, like so long as he doesn’t finish any coherent thoughts about what the _ fuck _ he’s doing it won’t be real.

They stay like that until Jake’s phone buzzes with another text from Johnny.

**What’s your room number?**

“Johnny’s coming.” Jake tells the rat as he replies to Johnny. The rat ignores him. “So you’d probably better get out. Come on, dude.” He grabs one of the smaller towels and braces himself to waste twenty minutes trying to grab a wet slippery rat and get himself soaked in the process. “Come on, Tk- Matt. Time to get out.”

He’s not calling the rat Tkachuk. It can be Matt The Rat. And if it actually _ is _Tkachuk, then apparently they’re married and Jake can probably therefore call him by his first name.

He puts one hand in the water, and the rat swims right over to him and kind of clings on, so it’s really easy to scoop it - him. Jake may not be prepared to fully commit to the insanity of the rat being Matthew Tkachuk in rodent form, but there is absolutely no doubt that this rat is a boy rat.

It’s really easy to scoop Matt The Rat out of the sink and put him on the towel.

Jake pulls the plug to drain the water and Matt squeaks at him. Jake automatically reaches out and flips the edge of the towel over so that it completely covers Matt, not like he’s hiding contraband but like he’s chirping a teammate.

There’s a pause, and then Matt’s nose and whiskers appear from beneath the fold of the towel, followed by his beady little eyes. He looks like he’s laughing at Jake.

“Do you need some help there?” Jake reaches out slowly so that he doesn’t surprise the rat, and it not only lets him get close but actually seems to enjoy being rubbed with the towel.

And then there’s a knock on the door.

“Stay there.” Jake drops the towel back over the rat to slow it down and hurries out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

He checks the spyhole to make sure that it’s just Johnny, which it is, and lets him into the room.

“Where’s Matt?”

“Bathroom.”

Johnny looks relieved. “He’s turned back then?”

“Uh…” Jake cautiously opens the bathroom door to check. “No.”

It’s only two steps to get to the counter and scoop up the rat, four steps to get out of the bathroom and back to where Johnny’s waiting.

“Oh.” Johnny deflates. “Matt, come on. You can’t stay like this.”

The rat scrambles to get out of Jake’s grasp, and he nearly drops it before he realises that it’s trying to get back to his hoodie pocket.

Johnny sighs. “I need to make a call.”

He needs to make a FaceTime call right here in the room, apparently. Jake’s not sure who he’s talking to because he can’t see the screen, but after a minute the conversation stops and Johnny goes over to sit on the bed. 

“Bring Matt over here.”

Jake’s far enough into this madness to just do as he’s told, and it doesn’t even surprise him now to find that Johnny’s call is still open and there’s another rat looking into the camera on the other end.

“Hey.” He tickles the outside of his pocket at the point where he hopes Matt The Rat’s head is. “It’s for you.”

Jake’s not sure whether the way the rat cooperates with his requests is a point for or against Matt The Rat being Matthew Tkachuk. Like, the way Matt The Rat responds strongly suggests that he genuinely understands human speech, but also _ being cooperative _ is not a behaviour that Jake associates with Tkachuk.

Matt The Rat has an honest to god FaceTime conversation with another rat, conducted entirely in squeaks. He also insists on sitting on Jake’s lap for the conversation, even though it would clearly be more convenient if he moved over to Johnny’s leg instead and got closer to the phone.

The rat conversation has apparently come to an end, as Matt The Rat jumps down from Jake’s leg and wanders up the bed to curl up in an unoccupied spot on the comforter. Johnny moves the phone away so Jake can no longer see the screen, and then there’s a human voice - familiar, but Jake can’t place it - on the other end, updating Johnny on the rat conversation.

The sparknotes version is that Matt The Rat has no intention of turning back into a person at the moment. He can, there’s nothing stopping him, he just won’t.

That sounds more like Tkachuk.

“So… what do we do now?” Jake’s hoping Johnny has answers. He seems to know a lot about this shit.

Johnny shakes his head. “I don’t know. He won’t turn back, and he can’t stay here if he’s a rat because he’s kind of illegal.”

They both look over at Matt The Rat, who appears to have gone to sleep. He doesn’t look like a dangerous fugitive.

“Is he _ snoring?” _

“Yeah.” Johnny nods. “They do that. It’s kind of cute.”

“Yeah.” Jake’s not sure how he feels about that. Tkachuk is not what he’d call cute, but Matt The Rat is a small friendly animal and Jake’s never met anybody who wasn’t a little bit soft for a small friendly animal.

“So I guess you need to take him with you.”

Jake pauses. “What?”

“He can’t stay in Alberta if he’s going to be a rat.”

“But… me?”

“He likes you.” Johnny points out. “All the weird shit he’s done is him trying to show affection when he’s literally been raised by rats. And you seem to like him okay…?”

Jake checks that Matt The Rat is still snoring. “Yeah, I guess... when he’s like this!”

“Well when he turns back you can send him home.” Johnny says that like it’s obvious, and like it settles the matter.

Jake watches Matt The Rat for a minute. If he is Tkachuk - which seems more likely now no matter how crazy this is - then Jake can’t let him get exterminated no matter how annoying he is. And if this is just a really intelligent pet rat that they’ve found for a ridiculous prank then he doesn’t really want it exterminated either.

“Fine.” He looks back at Johnny. “But you guys owe me.”

Johnny leaves Jake with a Flames-branded tote bag containing Tkachuk’s phone and passport - _ for when he turns back - _and makes Jake promise to keep him updated.

He pokes Matt The Rat awake, jumping back to avoid getting bitten in a way that suggests he’s done this before, and then picks him up and holds him at eye level.

“Listen, Chucky. I can cover for you for a couple days, but you have got to pull yourself together and come home, okay? Okay?”

The rat squeaks, and Johnny puts him down. “Good. God, you’re so small.”

Matt does bite him that time.

“Hey, Matthew, no biting.” Jake scoops him up quickly, before things can escalate.

“I’m not being rude, buddy.” Johnny says. “I just meant, you are a lot smaller than… um.” He glances at Jake and back at the rat. Jakes decides that he doesn’t want to know.

“This size works.” Jake’s not sure why he’s trying to mediate an argument between Johnny Hockey and a rat. “Perfect size for smuggling out of the province.”

And then it’s just Jake and the rat.

Jake sleeps badly.

He didn’t have anywhere to secure Matt - Alberta hotel rooms don’t come equipped to house your pet rat, for some reason - and even if he could be 100% certain that this isn’t some insane prank and that the rat really is Tkachuk, he wouldn’t trust him not to wander off and cause trouble.

Matt The Rat settles on the bed next to Jake, however, and every time Jake wakes up with a start, thinking that Matt’s escaped, or that he’s rolled over and crushed him, Matt’s there, snoring his little ratty snores. Sometimes he wakes up too - rats are probably lighter sleepers than humans - and eventually he moves onto the pillow and shoves his nose right into Jake’s ear.

Jake dreams that they get caught - a Mountie in full ceremonial uniform is sitting at the end of the bed, interviewing Jake, as Jake explains that this is not a rat, officer, this is my husband. The officer takes notes, apparently accepting everything Jake says at face value, and then suggests that Jake should answer his phone since it keeps ringing. Jake rolls over, wakes up and turns off his alarm.

“Ugh.” He rubs his face, and sits up. “I hope you slept better than I did.”

Matt The Rat is still a rat. 

He seems well rested.

He’s the only one who is. It’s an early flight, so early that breakfast is more grab-and-go than a sit down meal, and that works in Jake’s favour because everybody else is focused entirely on pouring coffee and constructing breakfast sandwiches and not on why Jake’s hoodie pocket keeps moving. 

It’s fine. Jake’s one of the first on the bus, tucking himself into a window seat and projecting that he wants to be left alone well enough that nobody tries to crash his bubble on the short drive to the airport.

Matt The Rat had not been impressed when Jake constructed a vague attempt at a harness out of a skate lace, but it’s allowed Jake to thread the loose end of the lace through the headphone cable hole inside his hoodie pocket in the hope that he might be able to maintain some control, and Matt had been placated with an entire croissant from the breakfast buffet. He’s possibly asleep again, given that he’s not moving more than the gentle rise and fall of his breathing, and now it’s easy for Jake to shoulder his backpack and stroll casually through to-

Fuck.

Airport security.

It might be a private flight, but that just means private security. Jake still has to walk through a scanner.

With a rat in his pocket.

In Alberta.

Shit shit shit shit.

There’s nothing he can do. He’s got to get scanned. His backpack has to be scanned. The room is big and light and even if Matt was awake and cooperative and they had somewhere private for Jake to tell him the plan he couldn’t realistically let him go at one end of the room and meet him at the other.

They are so screwed.

It must show on Jake’s face, because one of the CATSA agents stops him and takes him to one side.

“Are you okay, sir?”

It’s a question that could be taken at face value but really means _ I know you’re hiding something. _

“Uh.” Jake’s voice is higher than he would like, and Matt shifts in his pocket. “Yes?”

Matt, the fucking idiot, sticks his head out of Jake’s pocket. Even with his back to the rest of the room, there’s no way that the security agent isn’t going to notice…

She looks down.

She looks up at Jake.

She looks down at Matt again.

“Okay.” She puts her hand on his arm, in a way that leaves Jake’s hand free to cover Matt’s head and push him back into the pocket. “This way, please.” She leads him over to some screens at the side of the room.

Once they’re out of sight of the others, she lowers her voice. “This is where we do private scans for people with special requirements. You can tell your friends we’re testing some new scanners and you agreed to try one. Also if anybody asks I absolutely offered you the option of a male agent instead of me, okay?”

Jake nods, nervously.

“I’m so pleased to meet a fellow activist!” Jake has no idea what she’s talking about. “Obviously I’m not going to do anything to allow anybody to put a flight at risk, but saving an animal’s life is important. Although he should really be in a box for transit in case he panics and escapes because a loose rat in a plane is very dangerous.” She looks torn. “But then again, I can’t get you a box without alerting people to an unauthorised animal. Is he tame?”

Jake hopes for the best and carefully pulls Matt out of his pocket. “He’s smart enough not to run off.”

Matt’s whiskers twitch, and when the CATSA agent offers him her hand he sniffs at it delicately, resting one paw on her finger for balance. She’s clearly smitten, and Jake is somehow not surprised that Matt’s better at turning on the charm when he’s an actual physical rat.

“Okay. Keep him hidden, don’t let go of him. Love the harness, very on brand.”

Matt goes back in Jake’s pocket, and they get waved on through. Jake has to put up with some chirping about his special treatment, and whether he got the CATSA agent’s number, but they make it onto the plane and he manages to get a double seat to himself.

It’s not a long enough flight to sleep. 

Matt eats an entire bag of mini pretzels.

Jake has never been so pleased to get home.

The last eighteen hours have been the weirdest and most stressful of his life - even leaving aside the day when he apparently married a rat by accident - and Jake really just wants to have something to eat and take a nap. 

He’s faced with the reality of an apartment which is not rat-proof at all. Matt’s squirming to get away, probably just to explore, and he’s managed to chew through the makeshift harness while they were driving home from the airport so Jake can’t use that to keep him safe.

He casts around for something, anything to use as a temporary cage. Any cardboard box will be chewed through in no time at all, so it needs to be metal or plastic, and it needs to either have a lid but also airholes, or it needs to have high enough sides that Matt can’t push it over or jump out immediately…

Jake took the trash out before they started the road trip, because he’s not an animal and he doesn’t want to come home to an apartment that stinks. His kitchen trash can is sturdy, high sided, and contains two empty boxes from the protein bars he’d thrown into his luggage at the last minute.

“Cardboard’s okay for you, yeah?” He asks Matt, already preparing to put him down. “And you like garbage. I’m sure you’ll be fine in here for a few minutes.”

He lowers Matt carefully down onto the cardboard, makes sure he’s on his feet, and books it to the bathroom for a much needed pee.

When he gets back, Matthew Tkachuk is standing in his kitchen.

“You put me in the garbage.” He says, staring at Jake like he can’t believe what’s happening.

(Join the club, Tkachuk.)

“You put me in the garbage.”

And then he crosses the kitchen and pulls Jake into a hug.

He’s completely naked.

**/r/definingtherelationship**

Tkachuk lets go of him after a moment. “Are you okay?”

“You… were actually a rat.” Jake needs to sit down. He gropes for a stool and Tkachuk grabs one for him.

“But… you knew that?”

Jake shakes his head. “How the fuck would I know that?”

Tkachuk blinks at him. “You literally told me that, over a year ago. You said _ you’re a fucking rat, Tkachuk _.”

“That’s just a turn of phrase!”

“Huh.” Tkachuk looks confused, and then like he’s re-evaluating some stuff. “You really didn’t know?”

“No! It’s not like it’s something normal people would expect!”

Tkachuk looks unexpectedly proud at that.

“But I thought you knew.”

“No!”

“Oh. So. You really didn’t like the pizza?”

“No! Why would I want maggoty pizza mailed to me?”

“It’s good stuff. I could have eaten the whole thing but I saved you those slices.” Tkachuk looks kind of hurt.

“You eat maggots?”

“No!” Tkachuk’s expression changes to offended. “Obviously not. I kept it for a couple of days before I mailed it, and I sent it through the slowest method so it would ripen properly.”

“You’re disgusting.”

“Thank you!”

“That was not a compliment.”

“Oh.”

There’s an awkward pause. Jake feels like he ought to offer Tkachuk a drink or something.

“So.” Tkachuk looks a little uncomfortable, although nowhere near as uncomfortable as Jake feels. He doesn’t seem to realise that he’s naked. “You said you don’t like me.”

Now Jake feels bad. “Look, I…”

“So why did you come and rescue me?”

That’s a very good question.

“Uh.” Jake scratches his neck. “Well. Johnny sent me up to your apartment. And I didn’t want the pest control people to get to the rat. I didn’t really think it was you then! That just sounded crazy! And if it was some stupid prank it wasn’t fair on the rat…”

“So if you’d known it was me you’d have left me there?” Now Tkachuk sounds genuinely hurt, and Jake responds without even thinking about it.

“No!” He catches himself, but keeps telling the truth. “I don’t actually want you to get killed either, you know.”

“But you don’t like me…”

“I don’t _ know _ you. I don’t know if I like you or not. You annoy me. But that doesn’t mean you should get taken away by the rat people.”

“So you don’t hate me?” Tkachuk sounds very small all of a sudden.

Jake sighs. “I don’t hate you, Tkachuk. Not off the ice.”

Tkachuk smiles. “You should call me Matt.” He looks like he’s coming in for another hug, and Jake dodges.

“Let me find you some clothes.”

Jake makes a pot of coffee and orders some lunch while Tkachuk - Matt - takes a shower. Apparently a short swim in the bathroom sink of Jake’s hotel room wasn’t enough.

The coffee’s brewed by the time Matt comes back into the kitchen, wearing a pair of Jake’s sweats and no shirt. His hair is still damp, and it reminds Jake of the way Matt The Rat’s fur had looked as he dried him off.

“You were cuter when you were a rat.” He says without thinking, and Matt’s face lights up.

“You think I’m cute!”

“No!” Jake backpedals. “Just that the rat is cuter.”

“I am kind of cute when I’m a rat.” Matt admits with great confidence. “That’s fair.”

“I thought rats all had straight fur.” Jake says, since they’re on the subject and it’s been nagging at him. 

Matt looks at him like he’s dumb. “Well obviously I’m not going to have straight fur, am I? Anyway, I’m a…” He stops and thinks about how to phrase it. “Well, I’m not a rex rat, because I’m not a fancy rat, but I have the same kind of fur.” He shrugs, like _ what can you do? _ “But you totally think I’m cute anyway.”

Jake totally does not. Totally.

“I guess we ought to text Johnny.” Jake says, once they’ve eaten. “He’s really worried about you.”

“He’s okay.” That seems to be high praise from Matt. “He gets it. He’s marrying in.”

“Does he know that?” Jake wonders if it’s too soon to joke about it, and Matt shoots him a hurt look.

“He knows about the rat stuff, obviously. And I don’t think Ke-” he cuts himself off. “I don’t think his partner would consider them to be married if Johnny didn’t know what was happening.”

“But you thought it was okay with me…?”

“I thought you knew! You gave me that trash.”

“What trash?”

“In the parking garage. You gave me that bag full of things you’d been saving for me. That’s how I knew you wanted this.” Matt looks sad, like he’s remembered that Jake didn’t want it, and that there was never any _ this. _

“I really didn’t know, Matt.” Jake repeats, and picks up his phone to call Johnny.

Johnny’s clearly very relieved to hear that Matt’s human-shaped again, and insists on FaceTime.

“...so I told Bill that I’d been to your place, and that you were struggling, and that your ex had come in to help.”

Jake doesn’t look at Matt. It’s bad enough to hear that his team are accepting that Matt’s had a bad breakup and a bit of a breakdown, but to hear himself referred to as the ex when there had never been anything between them is tough.

“So Bill said you can have a few days, but you need to check in with the trainers as soon as you get back which has to be by Tuesday, or if you really can’t you have to call them.”

“Okay.” Matt sounds kind of subdued, and it’s starting to sink in for Jake that from Matt’s perspective he really has been going through a bad breakup.

“And we’re sorting your apartment out. The pest control guys did go through there but obviously didn’t find anything. You just need to be careful when you get back.”

“Okay.”

Jake decides that Matt’s had enough of talking to Johnny. “Okay, Johnny, we’ll let you know the flight details.”

“Okay, thanks. Glad you’re back, Matt!”

It’s very quiet when the call ends.

“You know…” Jake says, after a moment, not entirely sure how to get this across. “I didn’t know how you felt, what you thought was happening. And I would not have proposed or got married or whatever you thought was happening, but I would not have been that harsh if I’d known. I just thought you were crazy.”

“I am crazy!” Matt admits cheerfully, and Jake can almost hear the whistling approach of a bad punch line. “Crazy about you, baby!” Matt catches himself. “Uh. I mean, I was. Whatever. I’m over it now.”

“Sure about that?” Jake can’t help teasing. 

“Why, you changed your mind?”

There’s a tense pause while they both realise that Matt sounded a lot more hopeful than he meant to.

“Just ignore-”

“What if-”

They both speak at the same time, and Matt presses his lips together, gestures for Jake to carry on.

“What if we start over? Like, I said I didn’t know you well enough to know if I like you or not. What if we get to know each other?”

“Okay.” Matt grins. “There’s no way you won’t want all this when you get to know me.”

Jake has so many regrets.

~~

**/r/clearout**

“Hey, Johnny.” Jake’s in a hotel room in California. Johnny’s in a hotel room in Montreal, and he’s holding a familiar looking rat.

“Hi.” Johnny turns his attention to the rat as soon as he’s acknowledged Jake. “Please talk to Jake. I’ll come back in a bit.” The camera shifts as he apparently props the iPad up, against the pillows based on the angle, and then it’s just Jake and the rat.

“I don’t speak Squeak.” Jake reminds him after a moment. “Human words, please.”

The screen is suddenly full of a close up of Matt’s naked dick, which is not something Jake’s really ready for.

“Jeez, buddy, cover up.”

“You love it.” Matt leers. Jake can’t be bothered to argue, it’s not like Matt will listen.

“What’s up?”

Matt looks shifty, moving away from the camera to grab the hotel bathrobe. “Nothing.”

“Oh, nothing. The kind of nothing where you rat-sulk and Johnny Hockey has to call me.”

Matt mumbles something.

“What was that?”

“They threw the trash away.”

Jake blinks. That’s a bit vague. “Who did?”

“The guys. When they cleaned out my apartment for me.” Matt says that in the same tones as somebody might say _ trashed my apartment. _

“That’s what happens, with trash.” Jake’s not quite up to speed.

“No, the _ trash _!” 

“Uh….”

“The proposal trash.” Matt’s voice is lower, like he realises that it wasn’t really proposal trash but can’t let it go anyway.

“Matt.”

“Yeah, I know.” He wrinkles his nose. “They _ disinfected my kitchen, _Jake.”

Jake can’t help laughing. “Yeah, that needed to happen.”

“And they threw away all my trash.”

Jake sighs. “That’s probably best, buddy.”

“Now I have to start over.”

“Fresh start all round?” Jake suggests.

Matt brightens up a bit. “You can send me some more.”

Jake pulls a face like he hates that idea. He’s got an envelope half-full of dryer lint that he’s collecting at home to send once it’s full. “You’re not sending me anything, are you?”

Matt sighs, like Jake is so boring. “Nothing that rots.”

Jake’s still a little bit nervous about what he’s going to get home to.

“Hair’s romantic, isn’t it?”

“Only if it’s like, one curl.” Jake’s learning how to manage expectations. “Not like, all the clippings swept into a bag.”

Their friendship was never going to be normal, not considering their history or that one of them is Matt Tkachuk, but there’s also that added layer that they both know it’s not really just friends. Jake’s not going to just forget that Matt thought they were in love, and that he definitely thinks of Jake _ like that. _

Jake hadn’t… expected? Intended? to think of Matt like that, but he can’t not. The plan to get to know him has been undermined by the feeling that this is meant to be the prelude to something more, if they want that.

And Jake’s still not sure if he wants that, but Matt’s unshakable confidence has bounced back so high that Jake’s kind of buying into the inevitability of it.

And it’s not like he _ hates _ the increasingly frequent “accidental” full frontal nudity. Every time they FaceTime Matt insists that Jake has to see the rat too, because _ you think I’m cuter like that, _and that of course means Matt has to take his clothes off.

“What about other things?”

Jake rolls his eyes. “Nope. One curl of hair _ from the head, _ and anything else would be gross.”

“So no toenail clippings then.”

“No!” Jake knows his voice gets a little shrill sometimes, when he’s indignant or taken by surprise. Maybe he doesn’t try to stop it so much when he’s talking to Matt.

“I’d like _ your _ toenail clippings, babe.” Somehow Matt makes it sound like really, really bad porn (from both a content and quality perspective) and yet Jake knows that he totally means it.

“Yeah, not gonna happen.” There’s a line. That’s beyond it.

It’s hard to count anniversaries when you don’t agree on the official start date of your relationship.

On an apparently random date in March, which is significant to Matt, Jake gets another delivery. The package contains a pizza box, grease-stained but empty, a collection of used napkins with airline logos on, and a lock of Matt’s hair, the sentimentality of which is slightly spoilt by being carefully kept together with a lump of gum that Jake just knows was chewed specifically for that purpose.

On the actual correct anniversary, a year after their first kiss, Jake mails the stitches from the cut lip he received last time he played Matt’s brother, the sweepings from last time he got his hair cut, and a slice of pizza that he’d left sitting on his kitchen counter for several days to get properly dry and crunchy before tucking all of the items into a box from the same brand of protein bars he always buys.

**Knew you loved me really x**

**Fuck off x**

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to McSpot for letting me play.


End file.
